post-grad blues

I’m coming in to this post with an unconscious stream of thought – no thesis, no end goal, no beginning middle and end.

I’ve been on a constant up and down lately. I don’t know what to do with myself with all this free time, stuck at my parents’ home, slowly applying for jobs. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, trying to remain gentle.

I’ve taken on a lot of goals since graduating and the biggest one is taking care of my health: eating better, exercising, positive affirmations, loving myself. Honestly, I’ve come a long way. I feel a lot better, I feel stronger, I feel like I really know my body and how to nourish it, how to respond to it. I’m slowly transitioning to all natural care of my body and being, slowly transitioning to a vegan (minus desi yogurt, sorry that’s never stopping) diet… it all feels right, it really does feel great.

I feel that I spend most of my free time thinking about my health – different ways to eat healthy, different ways to care for my skin and hair, different ways to work out.

But I haven’t been exercising my creativity or my mind. I finally picked up the keyboard that’s been gathering dust in our loft. I tried to teach myself scales. I think I got F and C down? Something about me felt alive though. I needed that and I’m trying to make it a goal to practice and teach myself a little bit every day.

I have an unfinished painting. I’ve downloaded mixing software and have spent time reading articles about mixing music and DJing. I write down ideas for blog posts and YouTube videos. I even have a really basic idea about a (short?) story I would love to write (and daaaamn, I have not written a novel since HS).

I just feel so uninspired here. I don’t feel at home. I feel stagnant and unmotivated. It goes up and down, though; some days I feel better than others – particularly when I’ve seen friends or have a great interview. It’s hard, growing up in an environment where you literally feel like you can’t communicate to your family. I process most emotions through speaking and when I have no one to talk to, I become so negative within my own mind.

I love being alone with myself, I love dates with myself. I thrive the most when I balance quality time with people I care about with alone time with myself. But damn too much alone time got me doing stupid things, got me thinking too much, and just has my anxiety at an all time high. And I just hate being inside all the time. But, damn, that just comes with being an unmarried South Asian girl living at home with her parents.

Idk. Leaving this private because I just needed to get some feelings out. Why is everything I say and do so lacking in purpose lately? Maybe I need to reflect on my purpose, my goals, my desires. Cause I clearly don’t know them too well right now. But, damn I’m still only 22.

Edit: Okay, decided to make this public because I know so many folks feel similarly and though this lacks in purpose, I feel that only capitalism teaches us that everything must “have purpose”. And fuck capitalism.

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